Perspective Of Yet Another Night Owl

Oct. 19, 2004…It’s Been 3 Years, But Hurts Like It Was Today
October 19, 2007, 11:59 am
Filed under: AOL, Balance, Donations, Family, Life, Love, Parents, Summer, Thoughts, Uncategorized | Tags: , ,

Have you ever hated something so much that it hurts? The pain unbearable and nothing, absolutely nothing makes it go away?  Have you ever felt like you just want to rip your heart out and bury it deep beneath the earth, just so that you don’t feel the ache in it anymore?  Have you ever felt so lost because the one person in your life who loved you NO MATTER WHAT, was no longer physically there to hear you when you called?  No longer there to hug you when you needed a huge bear hug??  That is what October 19 does to me. 

Today, October 19, 2007, marks the 3rd anniversary of the death of my Daddy, John Michael Chartak.   It still hurts like nothing I truly can explain.  It’s not always a physical pain, although it can be and has been.  But it is more the pain of something missing. Something huge, leaving an entire part of you and your being feeling very empty.  Some void that cannot be filled, no matter what you try.  I don’t think that this pain will ever go away.  Nothing really makes that kind of hurt go away.  It does seem get a teeny, teeny, tiny, bit easier each day and year.  But at this rate, even if I am 90 years old, I don’t know that I will outlive that particular pain.   

The last couple of years I have talked with family and cried many tears while remenicing and checking on them and how they were.  Then I couldn’t stop those conversations even  when they ended.  The conversations played over and over in my mind until I cried myself  to sleep, and couldn’t breathe.

 This year, my goal was to stay tear free and fall asleep without a stuffy nose.  As I write this, I will sleep tonight, but not without the stuffy nose caused by the tears.  I guess it was easy to avoid tears until I wrote this to explain my odd behavior today, particularly to my loved ones. 

On this year’s anniversary of my Daddy’s death, I opted to work open to close at my store. Keep busy, busy.  I ignored my cell phone all day except for business related calls.  Some of you called (you know who you are) and I do love you more than you would know and I could ever explain, but I was trying so very hard to get through today without crying.  

I left work and went to the Grille with a couple of co-workers.  I had a few vodka & cranberry, no lime/fruit, and just a “splash of cranberry”, please. 😉 I spoke about Daddy with some of my co-workers.  The stories and memories that I have of my father to share with them are precious treasures to me.  The looks on their faces, their laughter, and sometimes disbelief, when they hear the stories make me smile.  I am so proud of Dad, for the smart things and even for the silly things.  All that stuff, win or lose, made Daddy who he was.   Even stories where one might have been embarrased in the past bring smiles and laughter and utter amazement sometimes.  All this stuff made Daddy, my Daddy. *sniffle stuffed sniffle*

So, at The Grille we had a few toasts to Daddy.  Since we had 3 rounds, there was plenty to toast with.  Everyone was smiling, as so far I had not cried.  It was working for me. My step brother J is getting married tomorrow.  I can’t be all puffy eyed and red for that! 

I didn’t check messages until I got home and had a hot shower.  It’s too late to call those of you back that called me today.  You all know who you are, and please know that I love you more than I could ever say.  It was not you I was avoiding.  It was me avoiding this big void inside that can’t be filled. 

I will miss J & C’s  wedding as I will getting my oldest daughter off to her first homecoming dance.  I plan to get to the reception though, to give them my best and cash for the brides dance booty bag.  Save a dance for me C, you are such a sexy dancer!!  J & C ~ The best of the world to both of you and wishes for an endless love between your minds, bodies, and soul.  I am so thrilled that C is going to be my sister-in-law.  I love everything about her.  J you made a fantabulous choice in my book. 🙂 

Ok, well big day tomorrow all the way around.  The puffy eyes and stuffy nose have already began.  I am going to  bed to get some sleep.


6 Comments so far
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{{(Big Hugs)}}

Comment by shadesofpink

Cyberhugging you 🙂 In my experience with losing close friends and family (not my parents though) I go through the same feelings-each year..getting better year by year. IMO-losing someone as close as your father (my father is my best friend-besides my dog-hehe) those feelings won’t ever go away-I’m pretty sure they won’t for me-I’m not trying to bring you down-I am one that likes to discuss feeling like this. I do not like Winter time-gets dark early-and I have lost many friends and family members during the Winter months: double wammy…hence I’m tagged with SAD-fun fun.

OK-back to you-Thinking of you now-during this time-and imagining you and the memories. Hope mom is doing well.


Comment by Mercedes

Cyber hug to you,
I still miss mine and as Mercedes says, probably always will. Yes, time does heal but there are days when you hurt pretty badly. I bet he would have loved the toasts.

Comment by msmkpink

From my heart to yours, I left you a comment under Tribute when you first put it up, because I knew just how you felt. I almost fell out of my chair when I read your post. Know from someone who has walked the path before you, the pain does ease some, can’t tell you it ever goes away but it does lighten, my dad lost his battle with leukemia 14 years ago on October 18th.

Big hugs and lots of love sent to you!

Comment by MK4ME

Hugs to you too MK4ME-Whew-just the goose bumps reading your post-you guys have a lot in common-and same time frame too…

Comment by Mercedes

Hey thanks for the kind words Mercedes. And a few years ago I had the most awesome yellow lab, Alexis, when I moved I had to find her another home. (Now she went to a home where (I didn’t believe it was possible) but her new owners spoiled her even more than I did _nd I treated her like one of my kids. She was my soulmate dog, I don’t get to see her because of the distance so I guess in my mind she will live forever but… damn I miss that dog. She got me thru many a tough time. uggg – tearing up now over a dog! Kleenex loves me.

Hugs and Sweet Dreams all!

Comment by MK4ME

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